Who should I be today?
Keep it up and it will all be okay.

The voice in my head gives a nice firm warning
Don’t get exposed or you’ll lose your belonging

The fear creeps in and continues to remind
What the kids used to point and whisper from behind

If you waited 1 more hour,
You’d see how small and quiet I was.

If you had waited 2 more days,
You’d see how loud and giggly I am.

If you had waited 30 more years,
You’d see how accomplished I’d be.

If you had waited, I think you would have wanted me.

I was giving the kids a bath and googling how to care for their skin because they had a bunch of dead skin building up and I was googling how to take care of their hair because it just looked unruly. I went to bed crying because I felt stupid…

I have never felt such a loss for words. The right words. The best words.

I have never felt so lacking in the two things I believe you all need the most- encouragement and hope. I was made to be an encourager, yet I have very little to give you.

What if I don’t agree?

Better yet I do agree
With the “other side”
The side that’s angry, fed up, and speaking up
The side that’s tired of what’s been going on for years and years and years
Tired of the tears and fears

What if I agree?

Racially insensitive…

Olivia Ludwick

Starting to tell my story outside of a journal

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